How To Set Boundaries With Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

It's okay, and sometimes necessary, to set boundaries with people suffering from borderline personality disorder. When and how do you set boundaries? Read this.

It's okay -- and sometimes necessary -- to set functional boundaries with people suffering from borderline personality disorder (BPD). Read about setting boundaries with borderline personality disorder sufferers (Setting Functional Boundaries).

Understand Borderline Symptoms Before Setting Boundaries

I used to be the girl your friends warned you about. My new friends were told to "be careful" if they planned to associate with me. People agreed that I was "nice, but crazy." I was called "irrational," "unpredictable," and "too intense."

I didn't know how to stop being that person. It's not as if I woke up and decided, "I think today I will deeply disturb my loved ones and push my friends away."

I hated it. I was constantly fighting off shame, despair, and humiliation (Living With A Mental Illness And Self-Stigma).

Our emotional intensity is not a choice. It's impossible to understand this until you've experienced enormous and uncontrollable emotions yourself. If your emotions are ripples on a lake, ours are tidal waves. BPD is what happens when we get sucked under the waves and can't breathe.

That said, it makes sense that people occasionally need to set boundaries with us. Unskilled borderline sufferers can be a lot to handle and some BPD behaviors necessitate separation. The borderline diagnosis is not an acceptable excuse for physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal threats, or the use of self-harm and suicidality as manipulative tactics (Is Mental Illness An Excuse For Bad Behavior?). Acting on these behaviors does not make us bad people, but we must learn to live with the negative consequences.

The Benefits of Setting Boundaries With Borderline Sufferers

Many of our loved ones will give us second chances when we hurt them, understanding that our actions often result from abuse histories, but some will cut us from their lives completely. I have experienced both outcomes. Though being removed from someone's life feels awful, it can be the greatest impetus for change.

I first sought sobriety after my brother threatened to remove me from his life. I joined a dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) group when my therapist refused to see me until I addressed my BPD. These experiences were embarrassing and hurtful, but they may have saved my life.

How and When to Set Boundaries With Borderline Sufferers

There are so many variations in circumstances, it's impossible to set a strict rule about how and when to set boundaries with borderline sufferers. The general idea is this: you get to decide what you can and cannot handle. If someone with BPD is "too much" for you, you are free to distance yourself. If someone with BPD has intentionally or inadvertently abused you, it's probably best to cut ties until they seek help.

In either case, please be conscious of how you talk about this person and his or her diagnosis once the boundary is set, as BPD doesn't need any additional stigma. Try to resist making assumptions about a diverse group of people based on negative experiences with a single person.

How to Cope When Someone Sets Boundaries With You

If you're a borderline sufferer whose loved ones have distanced themselves, don't let yourself be swallowed by shame. Shame rarely serves a purpose beyond increasing self-destructive behaviors. But guilt and embarrassment -- reflections of our actions rather than our overall selves -- can motivate change. You can accept those feelings without falling victim to self-hatred.

I know it's hard to sit with criticism or perceived judgment, especially when you're already sensitive. Something that helps me when I've made a BPD-related mistake is to tell myself, "I am unhappy with my choices, but it makes sense that I acted this way. These are symptoms of trauma and BPD. I will try to do better next time."

And you might not "do better" next time. You might fall back down. You might lose another friend (remember: this isn't always your fault). You might face more negative consequences. The point is that you're trying. You're seeking help, learning new skills, and addressing instead of running from your mistakes.

Be kind to yourself throughout this process. It sucks to be told that people can't handle you, especially when your emotions and actions are unintentional (Fear of Abandonment Due to Mental Illness). But trust me: you are not a bad person, you're not crazy, and you aren't hopeless. The people who truly love you will stick by you no matter what, even if that means having to set a few boundaries.

Find Emily on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Google+, and at her blog.

APA Reference
Eveland, E. (2016, May 3). Setting Boundaries with Borderline Sufferers, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2021, December 17 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/borderline/2016/05/creating-boundaries-with-borderline-personality-disorder-sufferers